Beyond the Eulogy: Writing the Lost Loved One
Photo of my friend Douglas. Winter 1978.
Last fall I had a dream about a dear friend who has been gone for more than a decade. When I woke, I didn’t remember the details, but I was left with the distinct feeling that he had knocked on my heart in search of something.
It prompted me to want to do something. I reached out to a producer I knew who was organizing a storytelling event titled, “Let’s Eat Cookies and Talk about Death” and I offered a shortened version of a personal essay I had published about my friend to see if it was a fit for her show. At her acceptance, the moment felt like kismet, as if I was responding concretely to my friend’s ‘visit.’
Douglas was a professor who never married or had children, but was devoted to his friends and students. The dream felt as if he had reached out to me to share his memory beyond an obituary or eulogy. Something that spoke more directly about the impact he had on me and so many others. Because I could. Not just on the page but also live, shared in a roomful of people who were open to talking about loss.
An obituary or eulogy summarizes a person’s accomplishments or deeds. But writing how that person made you feel offers a personal inheritance, a way to keep the memory of this person alive or to find meaning in their impact. Writing a story, personal essay, letter or poem about a lost loved one can go deeper and further into making meaning of that person’s mark on your life. A story only you can write.
I think of these pieces as soul profiles that capture the mark a person made on our life in story format, small moments from that person’s life - or death. The prompt can come in a dream or anniversary. Is it a coincidence that my dream came the month of that particular storytelling show. That I’m sharing this with you now in January, my friend’s birthday month?
We will always need our eulogies and obituaries to let the world know about the life of our loved ones. But finding those moment that touched us deeply does something else, something more.
For you and your lost loved one.
Here are two other examples, written about my mother and my father.
Join me in online as we explore this together in this single session, online workshop, “Beyond the Eulogy: Writing the Lost Loved One,” Ritualwell, January 27th, 2026.